Forgiveness is not based on "Sorry"

When I have forgiven you, what does it mean?

If you do not apologize and continue speaking as if you were right all along- how does that make me feel?

.

.

.

Bitterness

My old friend-

Having been reduced from a snarling dragon to a green garden snake,

Now rears its ugly head for a venomous bite.

Pride

Goes before a downfall.

I have,

And I have fallen.

Forgiveness

Is not based on whether

You say sorry

Nor whether

You change your action.

Forgiveness

Is based on me

Remembering how much I have done wrong

Remembering how much God has forgiven me my wrongs.

Regardless of you.

But the tears still flow.

The wound, under that large, resisting, scab,

Is still scrubbed raw.

Last time when I wished for it,

You wished not for it.

And when I 'progressed' in life,

You said "See? It's a good thing you did not go then."

As if the words that tumbled out of your mouth

Would become truth

Because you uttered them aloud.

Now you wish for it,

And you get your way?

Where is my wish in this.

I don't even wish for myself to turn back time.

I just wish for an admission of possible fault.

A "we did it to the best of our knowledge,

But perhaps we were wrong." ?

But 

Ain't that pride

?

Lord...

You're right. I need to work it out.

This stubborn, selfish heart of mine

Refuses to humble myself,

Am I waiting for You to humble me?

And indeed, I have been humbled by you

Via a friend who witnessed the fight.

Me, who cannot keep my mouth shut.

Me, being slow to listen, yet quick to speak, and quick to anger.

Lord,

I understand her.

I understand that she made the best decision in her knowledge at that time.

What i don't understand is how she can change and change so much for You, and yet still not be able to say a simple sorry.

That's the thing that I am upset about.

And yet when I think about myself, I also change and change so much for You,

And yet I have certain (many, in fact) habits that I still am unable to kick, like my over-emotional side.

That when people mention it, I am very sensitive about it and I will rant about how others are unable to understand me.

Why should I show so much mercy to myself, and yet not have mercy on others? 

[Parable of the Unmerciful Servant]- am I living out what I teach my kids?