I Just Don't Know

Dec 30, 2017
4 min read

I don't really know why I'm typing this here because I am unable to see what I am learning. But it is highly reflective of school so...

Just had the most mentally/emotionally tiring day in a long while.

Ended up doing work at Starbucks when school closed (because I needed a charging point) and that's probably the reason why I'm wide awake at 1.06am, cos caffeine from SBucks is pretty potent.

Or maybe its the sinking feeling in my stomach that has become a gnawing ache as the hours tick by.

I don't really know.

I keep telling myself to manage my own expectations cos it's not like the others are doing them anyway. But I find it very difficult to do an "okay" job when I know I can do better, because I feel like to go back to it again next time would take an even longer time if I can just do it better now.

I'm not saying I don't want to do it, but i legitimately actually find it difficult to do. Take SOW for instance. It's like my mind immediately considers a few ways where a few concepts can be tied in (but needs careful consideration and tough to word it), then after awhile I have to tell myself "okay think of something less integrated (i.e. less spiral curriculum) because you don't have the time to sit and think".

Which is frankly quite upsetting. But i understand it is a necessity because I have really a ton of things to do.

1. 5IN FT-ship (taking over Hannah)

The thought of it was actually quite stressful for me because i'm a TSR person by nature and thinking about how I am going to have to be the Form Teacher of a class whom I've never seen (cos I didn't teach P4s in 2017), without teaching them any subjects, is something I almost abhor. I feel it would be unfair to them because they have to deal with learning about values and so much more, with a teacher who doesn't teach them at all. If I were a student I think I would hate it. Told Zurairi I would take his period with 5IN if I could, except during his guitar sessions with them.

Ugh.

2. Choir I/C

To be very frank, I did not know I was the I/C until Thurs. And it's my fault. Ravi definitely said it but I think I perceived "you'll take over Joelle" as "you will now be a teacher in the Choir CCA", when what he meant was really "you'll be Choir I/C".

And that makes a lot of difference because the Choir is prepping for SYF and I know zilch about what needs to be done in ANY CCA... much less a CCA going for SYF. I have only had experience doing RAMS for scouts (FTPPS) and being a teacher looking after volleyball.

Suddenly (thank God for the ~1hr talk with Shaun although it really started off as a session I did not really like!) I realise I need to

-prepare members' costumes (dwdh) and ensure they have their shoes etc ready

-get new costumes made for new members

-look at budget splitting for instructor and pianist (wta)

-book the SYF venue / ensure that it is booked and paid for (wta)

-book bus and meal for the rehearsal/s

-order scores and pay and claim (dwdh) (wta)

-redo attendance list (because it really is in a mess) (wta)

-figure out what on earth I need to keep in the huge box labelled "Choir Resources", and what I can throw (dwdh) (wta)

-prep 2019 budget (drkhcrsb) (wta)

-do ITQ for instructors because the current instructor's contract is ending in June (cfiANYWHERE)

-manage paying the instructor/s every month by raising AOR and getting it signed & approved etc.

All these, above the stuff I know how to do, like consent forms (wtgb) etc. Which are also pretty tedious.

And above the stuff i WANT to do, like get files or a cupboard and sort all the choir stuff out.

To think that I thought RAMS was the difficult part of CCAs. LOL.

3. Music (Zu, Sok, Chloe)

This.

Has been surprising. Hahahaha.

Also can't blame anyone but myself for not checking.

I must remember that others' standards are different from my own, and others have different perspectives... and see how I can bridge the gap lovingly.

Tentatively:

-Music Store (WTGB)

-SOW (idkwts) (icannotsitstill)

-Aesthetics Hub (tGfp)

-Free Play Piano (okay just manage but I really wanna do something about the stickers)

-Aesthetics Assembly Programmes

-Teaching (e.g. ClassDojo etc, I haven't even thought about how I want to teach. Is this what we talked about shortchanging the kids.)

4. EL Competitions (See Guan, Hui Lin)

I do need to thank God for allowing me to pick up scrabble and boggle as a kid playing with my dad, and then participating in Scrabble and Boggle competitions in Uni and getting to know the national seeded players there. Think this has left a passion in me for these games and I am interested in taking over such things- although I foresee that the administration will be rather tough (because a lot- and I will be handling other things).

5. PAL Team (Qisheng, Cons)

This one... Okay la.

I'm just glad I have a team of like-minded, like-spirited and similar-aged people to work with. I understand how the more experienced people prefer to do things alone & split the work because it is faster for them (because I do that in singing as well), but the newer ones will then always struggle. I am always thankful for those who bother to sit down with me- not just to give instructions and leave, but stay around me as I do the work and allow (give off the "I ALLOW THEE" vibe??) me to bother them with questions.

*I must remember this if I stay in the service long. I think this is what Rita does (maybe because she had no choice since she was sitting there, HAHAHAHAHAHA but at least she didn't leave) that makes me love her so much.

I mean, I'm not saying I have a lot to do... because I'm sure there are many others who do more. I do however feel that my learning curve this year is incredibly steep... hahaha.

BUT GOD IS IN CONTROL.

Even when I don't feel it. Because I know, from experience.